Ugh. I feel gross right now. I think I spoke too soon about my Metformin not making me sick. I don't think I ate very well today. It wasn't that I ate bad, but I think I just ate weird. I also just did something that I try not to do: test my blood sugar 2 hours after i eat. It actually wasn't a full 2 hours, but it was close enough. I got scared when I saw the number: 198. I just have this love/hate relationship with food. My blood sugar was 119 before I ate dinner. I exercised right after I ate tonight. I can't even blame my emotions on my blood sugar because I am not upset about anything. All I can do is just know that chicken nuggets and chili are a bad choice for me to eat from Wendy's. Sure, the point value isn't that bad, but is it worth me feeling like poop? I don't think so. I really feel awful. I was going to try and read for a little while, but I feel like I just need to rest and watch a little One Tree Hill.

Why can't I be one of those people that can just eat ice cream and nothing happen to them?

Sometimes, I really appreciate my life. Other times, I feel kinda lame. Tonight is one of those "I feel kinda lame" ones. I am sitting here on a Saturday night typing a blog post. I am 31 years old. I should be out with friends or something. With that being said, I really did just need a night off where I could take care of things.

I spent an hour trying to get my printer to work. Apparently, the rollers were kinda dusty and it would not allow it to pick up paper. Everything is copacetic now.

I have been doing really well with my weight loss journey. I decided to reward myself tonight and order some pizza. I kinda feel like death. I guess I cannot eat pizza anymore. It is probably a really good thing.

I took the self-evaluation again for Aetna's simple steps. I wasn't even at my biggest when I completed it the first time, but since I took that a few months ago, My BMI has dropped 5 points. At my heaviest, I weighed 248. Ugh. Seeing that number makes me ill. I can't believe I got to that. No one should ever weigh that, but especially someone that is only 4'11". How could I ever get that way. I also never thought I would be diabetic at age 31. The most important thing is that I now have things under control. I currently am at 216.

Jodi has me drinking this stuff called Bios Life Slim. It is like drinking a watered down smoothie. I am getting used to the taste. It is sweetened with sucralose, so it is a lot sweeter than if sugar was used. I think what is the biggest turn off to me is the texture. It has a lot of fiber in it and is supposed to not only reduce weight, but lower blood sugar, lower bad cholesterol, and raise good cholesterol. So far, I have noticed the difference in my blood sugar.

I am going to end this tonight with updated pictures of me. The first one is from June before I started going to the doctor. The second one was taken at the beginning of September.

It's time for a post.

I am at such a really weird place right now and for the first time in a really long time, I have started to love myself again. It seems like over the past few years, I have just focused on so much of the bad stuff, that I forget all of the good that goes on in my life. Like these jokers in the pics. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I have met two guys in the past few months that have made me realize that I still can be attractive. I went out on a date with one of them. It was a blind date and it wasn't anything too big, but he is really sweet and I am enjoying getting to know him. We don't have a lot in common, but regardless of what happens, I feel like we will always be friends.

Then, the other one. I can't explain it, but I think the more and more I talk to him, the more and more I just want to make out with him. We text each other every night before bed and I find it harder and harder to stop talking to him. He told me that his day gets a lot better once he talks to me. As close as I want to be to him, I am deathly afraid. I am afraid that I will fall for him. I am afraid that he will wear me down. I just want to lay in his arms and him be okay with that. I want him to give me what Kyle couldn't. I am tired of feeling like this. I want more, but how do I tell him? Le sigh. Maybe I should sleep on him, I mean it....