It's my last week to work with Brooke. It's so bittersweet. I am so incredibly happy that she found a new job so she does not have to deal with hell that she has been going through for a few years now.

We went to the mall today because I had a coupon that I needed to use at Lane Bryant before it expired. I thought I could find some new work pants. That didn't work. I can wear a smaller size, but they were so tight and they looked really bad on me. I ended up buying 2 pairs of jeans and a shirt. I didn't try on the jeans because I figured that it was my normal size and I could wear them. Yeah, these aren't made like my other jeans and therefore, they wouldn't even button. It was so disheartening. I had noticed lately that I had started to put on a few pounds here and there, but it was not a reality until tonight.

I have been really sick the past few days and it has been so hard for me to do much of anything. This sinus infection just really took a toll on me. I decided that I would go for a walk. I took a 30 minute walk and felt a lot better. It just sucks that I have to go buy a new pair of earphones tomorrow at best buy. I am missing my good skullcandy ones. I have no idea where they could possibly be. I used my ones that are missing the squishy ear part, but that was uncomfy so I will buy a new pair tomorrow.

I also think that I am going to start bringing my gym clothes with me to work. That way I can head to the gym whenever I get off. I also am going to try and go to bed earlier and not sleep in as late.

I am starting back on WW this week. I have decided to not eat after a certain time and I am going to bring food with me to work so I don't have to buy the crap we sell. Time to lay off the soda and bring on the water!

Brooke and I have a contract that I am going to work on tomorrow. I am also going to come up with a reward system for myself. I need to make it work this time. I cannot spend my 30s like I did my 20s. I also need to lose weight for Rita's wedding. I NEED that bridesmaid's dress to look good on me.

So, day one begins with me!

I haven't posted in a while. I have just been consumed.

I finally graduated on May 15. I don't ever have to go to school again if I don't want to!!!! That is kind of an AMAZING thought!!!

I am frustrated about work, though. I have been running our department for months now. I haven't had anyone's help. I applied for the sup position, but they wanted to hire an external candidate that had a degree in management and he had more management experience. I get that, but why not give me the opportunity to show what I can do. We have some of the highest numbers that we have had in months and that is because of what I have done. "We don't want to set you up for failure." It's always their cop-out excuse. I don't know what more I can do. Why should I keep stressing myself over a job where it seems that I really have no future with anymore? I know that I need to branch out and look for something else. I was just kinda waiting to see what would happen with the sup spot. I know this is just another sign that I am not supposed to stay there. It is so disheartening that I have been turned down so many times because I don't have enough experience. How can I gain experience if they aren't developing me? It is just so frustrating and I feel so bummed. If I had no work ethic, I would slack off and not do anything. Not to mention the fact that some people who happened to apply for the job that are in another department, decided to vent to me about how they are the most qualified for that job. How is someone in that store more qualified than me to be that supervisor. I had to leave before it got ugly. I was feeling my blood pressure rise. I have tried so much to not let things bother me, but it is getting hard these days. Everyone seems to get time off except for me. I am not asking for much, just more that a day off so I can get something accomplished in my room or just have some time to myself. I guess I want too much. I only have a few weeks left without Mandy. I need to prove to everyone that she only brings the team down.

I didn't really want this to be negative, however, I needed to get it all off of my chest. I definitely feel much better :)

What a week and it's only Tuesday! WTF? I get a phone call from Somer. She usually only calls when we are getting together. Then again, she and Miles have called me from each other's phones and I really didn't think about it. We haven't talked in a while and I hate that, but that's part of not living close to each other anymore. Miles and I really don't have that much in common anymore. It's kinda sad how we fell apart. I mean, that's really the only way I can describe it. We fell apart. I have dealt with it now and have just accepted that is how things are now.

Side note: Benji and I definitely aren't as close as we used to be, but we have also grown up. I don't care what anyone says. Distance will always affect relationships.

Back to yesterday's conversation. Somer's voice seemed a little shaky as she proceeded to share some news with me. She asked if I had talked to Miles lately. I told her no, that we really don't talk much at all anymore. At first, I thought she was about to tell me that they had broken up. In a weird way, I was kinda relieved. Was I going to get my best friend back? Nope. Somer tells me that they are "having a kid." O.M.G. I honestly don't know what to say or how I am supposed to feel about this. Miles Eric Herleikson, Jr. is in NO way ready to have a child. No way at all. I do not understand people that have unprotected sex when you are not ready to have children. If you can barely afford to take care of yourself, how in the heck do you think you are ready to bring another life into the world?

Yesterday, I was traumatized. Today, I am angry.

I know he is scared. I am scared for him. I pray that he does not run away from this because that is his notoriety. I pray that he will grow up and find ways to make this work because if not, it's going to be a long, hard road. Once again, I understand that God answers prayers. It may not be the answer we want, but it is always the answer we need.

Another Singles Awareness Day....

I have no idea how I am still awake. I guess it is because I know I have to wait for my phone to finish its software update.

I hate how non-single people refer to Valentine's Day as "Singles Awareness Day." HELLLLOOOO, don't you think I know that I am aware every day of the year that I am single??? Ugh.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess I just hate having to look at the people around me and wonder what it is that I am doing wrong or whatever it may be that is keeping me from finding a companion? I constantly wonder how some of the people I know or even just see on a daily basis are with someone. I hate it when people say it is quality vs quantity. WHATEVER! You aren't single.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are times when I am truly grateful that I am independent. I see so many people I know going through divorces or they are just generally unhappy in their situations and realize that I am lucky that I don't have to put up with that. Then, the holidays come along and I reminded that I am alone.

I have so much respect for my sister, whether or not she knows it. She has truly learned to love herself and be happy. I need that. This year, I am working so hard to reach that spiritual level where I can accept me and love me for who I am.

I got really sad today when Mom came in and gave me two Reese's peanut butter hearts for a present. It just reminded me how lonely I really am. At the same time, the people that matter the most in my life showed me that they love me with a simple gesture.

Yesterday, I found out that two of my friends are intereseted in each other. Somehow, I was kind of afraid of that. Here is the deal. It isn't that I wanted to be in a relationship with him. We are really good friends and it just sucks that he was paying attention to me. I liked that. In reality, I could have never imagined anything happening between us. I like the way things are. I just feel that in a way, I got jipped again.

I don't understand why guys feel the way they do about me. I am good enough to be your best friend, but that's it. Why do you trust me? Why do you feel so comfortable around me? You make me want to shut down completely.

Now that I have vented and feel somewhat better about my least favorite holiday, I think I am going to finish watching House, drink some ice water, read my scriptures, and go to bed.

I can't stop sneezing. It is rather frustrating.

Seriously, where was our snow? Mother Nature always toys with our emotions...

I love reading Hannah's daily occurances. It is definitely entertaining. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have things like that happen to me. Then, I remember who some of my friends are...

This year is all about getting to truly know my Father in Heaven and Savior. As I was sitting in Primary on Sunday, Mom was presenting Sharing Time. It was about some of the last days of the Savior's life. I don't know what happened, but I just kinda starting crying because at that moment, I truly began to understand what the Atonement meant. I need to feel like that every day.

I am so happy that I have already completed some of my Visiting Teaching for the month! I actually did that last week. It has been nice having Friday and Saturday off the past few weeks. Yes, the rest of the week is kinda hectic, but knowing that I can relax and get Primary work done those two days has been such a blessing. Last Friday, I colored flip charts for the new song that we are working on for 4 hours! Yes, 4 hours!!! I need to go back and re-glue some of the posters. That is what I get for buying cheap glue sticks. Whatev.

I think I have bruises on my shoulders and back from Devon attempting to give me a massage at work. That kid is BRUTAL!

I am really grateful for having Tess as my friend. She has really taught me a lot about what fellowshipping needs to be about. With her being still so new to the Church, she brings me back to basics. It is amazing to have a friend right here with me that I can talk about the Gospel with and put things into an eternal perspective. I have always had that with some of my friends, but I needed to realize what was important.

Speaking of friends, some of mine have lost total touch of reality when it comes to some of the things they are getting themselves into. If you think that life is about the next big party and strictly having fun, well, you have a long, hard road in front of you. Don't guilt trip me, either because I don't want to hang out with you. I have other things going on in life and your plans don't fit into mine.

I miss Benji so much. I am glad that I heard from him a few weeks ago.

I think I am going to go do something productive right now. I have a dinner date with Antonija and Alice tonight. That should be interesting.

It's a new year. I am going to 30 in 4 months. 30. Ugh. I know I can't dread it. It is just a number. I need to embrace it.

This is the year where everything will become mine. I have had such a rough decade. I can't worry about being happy because of a man. I can't worry about what others think about me. I can only be concerned about loving myself and making the most of things.

I am starting a modified WW plan on Wed and focus hardcore starting Monday. That way I can save points for the weekends. I also HAVE to start exercising again. I have a week off so I can get adjusted to my new lifestyle. It's going to start with a massive room clean out. I am actually really excited about it. I never thought i could be excited about something like that. I need to set my goals so I can have something to look forward to. I want to be down 30 pounds by my birthday! I want to shed a pound for every year I have been here. It would be even better if I could be down 50, but I want realistic expectations.

I am going to made spiritual changes, too. I think this new calling will help me a lot. I HAVE to say my prayers more and HAVE to read my scriptures more. I can't do this alone. I have amazing tools at my disposal and I need to use them. I have two sisters that can help me SO much. Most importantly, I have Heavenly Father to help me. I am going to make a schedule, too. I always seem to do things so much easier and more successfully with a schedule. Plus, with this upcoming semester, I am going to need all of the help I can get.

I want to learn to truly love myself this year. I want to not be lazy. I want to be the most amazing person that I can be.

I am a beautiful woman, who is a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I want him to be proud of me, not tolerant of me.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me...