Scattergories

I played Scattergories for the first time in years the other night.  It was amazing.  I think you could probably play the game by yourself to train your brain.

There are some things that have been bothering me lately.  I don't really want this blog to be negative, but I just want to vent for a moment or two.

Growing up LDS, you are expected to separate yourself from the world.  Be in the world, not of the world.  Every one of us makes mistakes.  We are imperfect people.  I used to love Facebook.  I thought it was such an amazing way to reconnect with old friends and stay connected with long-distance ones.  The enchantment has worn off, however.  In some ways, it may be the only way that I get to watch some of my friends' children grow up.  I would hate to get rid of it and miss things.

What really truly bothers me is when I see members of the Church flaunting their sins.  It makes me lose so much respect for them when I see them talk about their drinking and immodest clothing, etc.  I don't think they realize how bad they look.  I know that it is Heavenly Father's job to judge their works, but when they are throwing it in everyone's faces, it really saddens me.  I have lost so much respect for a few people, especially in the past few months.  It is horrible to see the kind of example you are setting for your children.  It is not funny when your kids cuss at you, so quit laughing at them when they do.  Better yet, don't use that language at home.  Yes, bad language is all around us, but you don't have to add to it, either.

We reward bad behavior too often.  You make people feel bad for you because you got pregnant.  Don't you DARE blame the Church for "not helping you in your time of need."  You were the one who was having unprotected sex.  Why should we have to help you pay for this baby?  There are people like me in this world who would do anything to have a baby and can't right now.  Sometimes, you have to suck things up.  You will have to deal with your actions.

Ugh. I feel gross right now. I think I spoke too soon about my Metformin not making me sick. I don't think I ate very well today. It wasn't that I ate bad, but I think I just ate weird. I also just did something that I try not to do: test my blood sugar 2 hours after i eat. It actually wasn't a full 2 hours, but it was close enough. I got scared when I saw the number: 198. I just have this love/hate relationship with food. My blood sugar was 119 before I ate dinner. I exercised right after I ate tonight. I can't even blame my emotions on my blood sugar because I am not upset about anything. All I can do is just know that chicken nuggets and chili are a bad choice for me to eat from Wendy's. Sure, the point value isn't that bad, but is it worth me feeling like poop? I don't think so. I really feel awful. I was going to try and read for a little while, but I feel like I just need to rest and watch a little One Tree Hill.

Why can't I be one of those people that can just eat ice cream and nothing happen to them?

Sometimes, I really appreciate my life. Other times, I feel kinda lame. Tonight is one of those "I feel kinda lame" ones. I am sitting here on a Saturday night typing a blog post. I am 31 years old. I should be out with friends or something. With that being said, I really did just need a night off where I could take care of things.

I spent an hour trying to get my printer to work. Apparently, the rollers were kinda dusty and it would not allow it to pick up paper. Everything is copacetic now.

I have been doing really well with my weight loss journey. I decided to reward myself tonight and order some pizza. I kinda feel like death. I guess I cannot eat pizza anymore. It is probably a really good thing.

I took the self-evaluation again for Aetna's simple steps. I wasn't even at my biggest when I completed it the first time, but since I took that a few months ago, My BMI has dropped 5 points. At my heaviest, I weighed 248. Ugh. Seeing that number makes me ill. I can't believe I got to that. No one should ever weigh that, but especially someone that is only 4'11". How could I ever get that way. I also never thought I would be diabetic at age 31. The most important thing is that I now have things under control. I currently am at 216.

Jodi has me drinking this stuff called Bios Life Slim. It is like drinking a watered down smoothie. I am getting used to the taste. It is sweetened with sucralose, so it is a lot sweeter than if sugar was used. I think what is the biggest turn off to me is the texture. It has a lot of fiber in it and is supposed to not only reduce weight, but lower blood sugar, lower bad cholesterol, and raise good cholesterol. So far, I have noticed the difference in my blood sugar.

I am going to end this tonight with updated pictures of me. The first one is from June before I started going to the doctor. The second one was taken at the beginning of September.

It's time for a post.

I am at such a really weird place right now and for the first time in a really long time, I have started to love myself again. It seems like over the past few years, I have just focused on so much of the bad stuff, that I forget all of the good that goes on in my life. Like these jokers in the pics. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I have met two guys in the past few months that have made me realize that I still can be attractive. I went out on a date with one of them. It was a blind date and it wasn't anything too big, but he is really sweet and I am enjoying getting to know him. We don't have a lot in common, but regardless of what happens, I feel like we will always be friends.

Then, the other one. I can't explain it, but I think the more and more I talk to him, the more and more I just want to make out with him. We text each other every night before bed and I find it harder and harder to stop talking to him. He told me that his day gets a lot better once he talks to me. As close as I want to be to him, I am deathly afraid. I am afraid that I will fall for him. I am afraid that he will wear me down. I just want to lay in his arms and him be okay with that. I want him to give me what Kyle couldn't. I am tired of feeling like this. I want more, but how do I tell him? Le sigh. Maybe I should sleep on him, I mean it....

It's my last week to work with Brooke. It's so bittersweet. I am so incredibly happy that she found a new job so she does not have to deal with hell that she has been going through for a few years now.

We went to the mall today because I had a coupon that I needed to use at Lane Bryant before it expired. I thought I could find some new work pants. That didn't work. I can wear a smaller size, but they were so tight and they looked really bad on me. I ended up buying 2 pairs of jeans and a shirt. I didn't try on the jeans because I figured that it was my normal size and I could wear them. Yeah, these aren't made like my other jeans and therefore, they wouldn't even button. It was so disheartening. I had noticed lately that I had started to put on a few pounds here and there, but it was not a reality until tonight.

I have been really sick the past few days and it has been so hard for me to do much of anything. This sinus infection just really took a toll on me. I decided that I would go for a walk. I took a 30 minute walk and felt a lot better. It just sucks that I have to go buy a new pair of earphones tomorrow at best buy. I am missing my good skullcandy ones. I have no idea where they could possibly be. I used my ones that are missing the squishy ear part, but that was uncomfy so I will buy a new pair tomorrow.

I also think that I am going to start bringing my gym clothes with me to work. That way I can head to the gym whenever I get off. I also am going to try and go to bed earlier and not sleep in as late.

I am starting back on WW this week. I have decided to not eat after a certain time and I am going to bring food with me to work so I don't have to buy the crap we sell. Time to lay off the soda and bring on the water!

Brooke and I have a contract that I am going to work on tomorrow. I am also going to come up with a reward system for myself. I need to make it work this time. I cannot spend my 30s like I did my 20s. I also need to lose weight for Rita's wedding. I NEED that bridesmaid's dress to look good on me.

So, day one begins with me!

I haven't posted in a while. I have just been consumed.

I finally graduated on May 15. I don't ever have to go to school again if I don't want to!!!! That is kind of an AMAZING thought!!!

I am frustrated about work, though. I have been running our department for months now. I haven't had anyone's help. I applied for the sup position, but they wanted to hire an external candidate that had a degree in management and he had more management experience. I get that, but why not give me the opportunity to show what I can do. We have some of the highest numbers that we have had in months and that is because of what I have done. "We don't want to set you up for failure." It's always their cop-out excuse. I don't know what more I can do. Why should I keep stressing myself over a job where it seems that I really have no future with anymore? I know that I need to branch out and look for something else. I was just kinda waiting to see what would happen with the sup spot. I know this is just another sign that I am not supposed to stay there. It is so disheartening that I have been turned down so many times because I don't have enough experience. How can I gain experience if they aren't developing me? It is just so frustrating and I feel so bummed. If I had no work ethic, I would slack off and not do anything. Not to mention the fact that some people who happened to apply for the job that are in another department, decided to vent to me about how they are the most qualified for that job. How is someone in that store more qualified than me to be that supervisor. I had to leave before it got ugly. I was feeling my blood pressure rise. I have tried so much to not let things bother me, but it is getting hard these days. Everyone seems to get time off except for me. I am not asking for much, just more that a day off so I can get something accomplished in my room or just have some time to myself. I guess I want too much. I only have a few weeks left without Mandy. I need to prove to everyone that she only brings the team down.

I didn't really want this to be negative, however, I needed to get it all off of my chest. I definitely feel much better :)

What a week and it's only Tuesday! WTF? I get a phone call from Somer. She usually only calls when we are getting together. Then again, she and Miles have called me from each other's phones and I really didn't think about it. We haven't talked in a while and I hate that, but that's part of not living close to each other anymore. Miles and I really don't have that much in common anymore. It's kinda sad how we fell apart. I mean, that's really the only way I can describe it. We fell apart. I have dealt with it now and have just accepted that is how things are now.

Side note: Benji and I definitely aren't as close as we used to be, but we have also grown up. I don't care what anyone says. Distance will always affect relationships.

Back to yesterday's conversation. Somer's voice seemed a little shaky as she proceeded to share some news with me. She asked if I had talked to Miles lately. I told her no, that we really don't talk much at all anymore. At first, I thought she was about to tell me that they had broken up. In a weird way, I was kinda relieved. Was I going to get my best friend back? Nope. Somer tells me that they are "having a kid." O.M.G. I honestly don't know what to say or how I am supposed to feel about this. Miles Eric Herleikson, Jr. is in NO way ready to have a child. No way at all. I do not understand people that have unprotected sex when you are not ready to have children. If you can barely afford to take care of yourself, how in the heck do you think you are ready to bring another life into the world?

Yesterday, I was traumatized. Today, I am angry.

I know he is scared. I am scared for him. I pray that he does not run away from this because that is his notoriety. I pray that he will grow up and find ways to make this work because if not, it's going to be a long, hard road. Once again, I understand that God answers prayers. It may not be the answer we want, but it is always the answer we need.